Life with snails
2020 vision
my beautiful life


my beautiful life
8 am I wake to the sound of a birdsong coming through the floorboards. My husband Jeffrey bought a CD from Booksale for 49p, and he likes to play it early in the morning. It's mostly crows and begins to irritate me. I get up.

8.05 am I come downstairs to make a cup of tea. In a spirit of fun, Jeffrey has filled the teapot with rat poison, but I notice the box in the bin. I pour the contents of the kettle into his CD player. It explodes, taking the crow music with it.

8.30 am I go upstairs to see what the people over the road are doing. I have to keep an eye on them because I suspect that they are training their dog to do its business in my yard. It hasn't done it yet, but I keep seeing them feeding it All Bran, and they are always pointing at me when I watch them.

11.30 am I come downstairs and tell Jeffrey that the people over the road are being evicted. He asks how I know, and I explain that I saw a man in a suit on their doorstep, giving them what looked like an eviction notice.

11.45 am A man in a suit arrives at the door and hands me a charity envelope. Jeffrey asks whether it looks like an eviction notice. I ignore him as he continues to poke what look like shards of glass into the pepper grinder.

12.00 pm Jeffrey decides to drive to the shops. I tell him he'll be gone for days if he insists on driving at 5 mph "to get into practice". He refuses to accept that we will succeed only in attracting Sunday drivers and caravan fanatics into the area if we don't put our feet down and stand up to Methleys Neighbourhood Action.

2.00 pm I get a call from the local police station. Jeffrey has been arrested for kerb crawling on Methley Drive. He has told the arresting officer that it is soon to be compulsory in our area to drive ridiculously slowly. I tell the officer that my husband is away on business, and that our car has been stolen.

2.30 pm I set off to Somerfields to see if there are any bargains in store and to get the local gossip.

5.30 pm I reach the end of the queue, and make a mental note to take civil action against the cashier for refusing to give me any premier points, and allowing the queue to extend into the rear car park at Technorth before ringing for assistance.

6.00 pm I settle down in front of the TV with a packet of microchips. I've gone off cooking since the incident with the lamb and the man from the Urban Farm. Apparently I was lucky to get off with a fine.

7.00 pm I begin to miss Jeffrey. It's not really his fault- it's the MNA cult activists and their silly schemes that have incarcerated him. They want people to kerb crawl and jay walk and plant trees for drunks to urinate all over. If we don't stand up to them now, we'll probably all be locked away before the summer is over.

7.30 pm I phone the police and name names - these people must be stopped - NOW!