on the meths
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episode six

Albert {narrator] The story so far... After Sinclair and Rainbow's wonderful date together Rainbow has vanished and Sinclair is still looking for her.

Basil Pilbeam is still in the cells but his pupils have teamed up with his wife to try and get him out.

Meanwhile everybody has turned up at Bob and Drucilla's after Peggy burnt down Ginny's house with her home made lantern.

Scene 1
Everybody [Chatting and mumbling]
Martine Please everybody - I've just been speaking to the children and they've told me that Basil is in big trouble! He's been trying to run the school single handed, but now the OFSTED inspectors are coming. The children are ever so worried about it all. They've tried to get him out of the cells, but they were caught. I'm going to go with them and see if we can get him out together.
Druscilla But Martine - You're agoraphobic!
Martine Druscilla, you've done your best to help me, but at the end of the day it's down to me. I love Basil - and if these little children can do so much to try and help him then so can I! I'm going to go out right now and bring back my husband!
Everybody [give Martine a round of applause]
Sinclair Martine - that is just the kind of spirit that we at Methleys Neighbourhood Action are hoping to get lottery funding for! I am truly moved by your stirring speech, and you may tell Basil that, if it will help at all, I shall be in school first thing tomorrow morning to teach Drama.
Anna (under breath) Oh no!
Raquel I could go to the school if you like Martine - I'm pretty good at English - and I've got 30 copies of Lady Chatterleys Lover I could go through with the children.
Trinity Oh no!
Druscilla I could do Maths with the children in the afternoon ....
Albert and Craig Oh no!
Bob I'll do woodwork and metalwork as soon as these plaster casts are off ...
Children Hooray!
Ginny I'm pretty good at History - I could probably help out ....
Peggy That's right Ginny, leave me on my chuffing todd all day! If you're going then I'm coming too. And I'll bring my recorder - I might even play 'Go and tell aunt Nancy' with the little ones ...
Children Aaaaaah!
Everybody [start chatting about what you can do to help]
Martine Oh thank you so much everybody! This will mean so much to Basil!
Albert [narrator] Shortly afterwards Martine and the children arrive at the Police station.
TRACY RING BELL.
Bob[ss] A good evening to you Madam, how may I be of assistance?
Martine I need you to release my husband - immediately. I can't manage without him for a moment longer. The children are distraught!
Sophie, Trinity, and Rosie I want my Daddy! I want my Daddy! ... [both start crying and keep crying for the rest of the scene]
Joe Mum, if Dad doesn't come home I'll have nightmares again! Please Mum, please tell him to come home ...
Albert I need my Dad - I can feel myself getting beyond parental control!
Craig Me too Albert! I want to go and steal a car and crash it into the library!
Martine Hush children, hush - I'm sure the nice officer will allow Daddy to come home this evening. You will, won't you officer?
Bob[ss] I'm terribly sorry Madam - but Mr Pilbeam is due to go to the electric chair first thing tomorrow morning.
Children and Martine [crying and wailing]
Bob[ss] Ha ha - just a little police humour there Madam, I'll tell you what - I wouldn't want you all to miss the Chapel Allerton Arts Festival, which I'm sure will be delightful family entertainment throughout the weekend - I shall release Mr Pilbeam without further ado.
Children and Martine Oh thank you, thank you!
Albert [narrator] The OFSTED inspection begins at the school, and the inspectors are astonished to find such enthusiasm bursting from both teachers and children. With the possible exception of the recorder lesson. Later that night, and safely back at home Basil and Martine have things to discuss.
Martine Perhaps you should start thinking about a new career, Basil? You've been through so much over the last few months - I'm worried about you.
Basil Oh it's not that bad really. I've grown quite fond of the children. Anyway, Mr Smith is a lot better - his wife rang this morning. He can say quite a few words now, and he's stopped shaking. He's considering an out-of-court settlement after all.
Martine Will school funds stretch to that?
Basil Oh I think so - if we do well at the Bring and Buy. I've seen Mrs MacHenry's plans for the White Elephant Stall. It all looks very exciting!
Martine You do realise that the day of the Bring and Buy is also the day of the UEFA cup final and the Wimbledon Men's doubles? I'm just not sure that many people will turn up ...
Basil Well I think you underestimate how much my pupils value our school. The Christmas production was sold out!
Martine Yes, casting Miss Titchmarsh as Peter Pan in those ludicrous tights was probably a factor.
Basil Miss Titchmarsh did extremely well. Except with the flying.
Martine Maybe she could come out of early retirement and teach some Geography?
Basil Unlikely I'm afraid. She's still recovering from the stomach stapling. I gather she's done very well - she's lost nearly 6 stone!
Martine Is it safe for spinal injury patients to have their stomachs stapled?
Basil She didn't have a spinal injury - that was Mr Culloden. Which reminds me, I must try and arrange to have the stage fixed. Do we have any METS credits left?
Martine No sorry, love - I spent them all on having my head tested. And yet in the end is was my love for you that cured me - I love you Basil!
Basil I love you too, Martine.
Basil and Martine make kissing noises.
Martine Let's nip round to Druscilla's and say thankyou to everyone, for all their hard work at the school today. Then we'll come home and have an early night.
Basil A wonderful idea - come on then darling, get your coat .... TRACY KNOCK ON DOOR.
Martine Hello Druscilla, I see you still have a full house!
Druscilla Yes, but Sinclair thinks he will be able to get funding to rebuild Ginny's house on account of how all that rubble is lowering the tone of the neighbourhood.
Peggy (from a distance) Ginny! My bag needs changing!
Ginny (from a distance) Coming Mum!
Martine Oh Druscilla - it can't be easy having Peggy here!
Druscilla No, you're right it's horrible. I've told them to leave but they won't listen. I think I'm stuck with them. Sinclair is staying here until Rainbow turns up, too - and Raquel's staying until pay day because she has no gas or electric. Oh I'm sorry Martine! - how rude of me - please come in! I'll tell you what, I need a drink, do you fancy one?
Basil Thanks. That would be lovely. [pause] Hello Bob, how are your fractures?
Bob Oh hello Basil - they're fine thanks, how was prison?
Basil Well, you know - you get used to it after a while. Aaaah! Oh sorry Sinclair - I didn't notice you behind the curtains.
Sinclair Sorry Basil - I can't stop thinking about Rainbow. I was so happy, and then she just disappeared.
Bob Come and sit down Sinclair - join us for a drink. There's nothing you can do, she'll turn up when she's good and ready.
Sinclair I know, you're right.
Druscilla Here we are everybody, a nice drop of sherry.
Bob What's that you're drinking Druscilla?
Druscilla It's Poceen - I've been saving it for emergencies.
Ginny (heaving noises) Come on Mum. You'll have to sit on the floor.
Peggy You what? with my legs? I'm not sitting on the chuffing floor!
Raquel Yes, If you'd have thought on Ginny you could have dashed back into the flames and fetched her comfy chair. I'll tell you what Peggy, why don't you sit here - I'm going up to the Nags for the karaoke.
Everybody Se*
The very last scene ever!
TRACY KNOCK ON DOOR.
Druscilla Oh hello Sergeant Smith! I hope it's not bad news?
Bob[ss] Yes, I'm afraid I have to place you all under arrest.
Everybody What?!
Bob[ss] Aha, Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen - just a little police humour there... I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in and see what all the racket was about. I take it you are not, in fact, being attacked by armed thugs - but are simply having a bit of a knees-up.
Drucilla It's a co-incidence, sergeant - but yes - I suppose we are. Would anybody like a drink?
everybody {name a drink that you like!}
Drucilla O.K then why doesn't everybody just help themselves.
everybody {stamp feet and make shoving around sounds}
Bob[ss] Thank you very much, madam - I am rather partial to Babycham. By the way - you should probably let your cat in - it's pouring down outside!
Peggy Oh don't worry about that, It'll be lovely tomorrow.
Bob[ss] Tomorrow?
Raquel Yes, The sun will come out tomorrow
Sinclair Definately. You can bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun.
Basil Just thinking about tomorrow ... it sort of ...
Martine Clears away the cobwebs?
Bob Yes - and the sorrow - 'til theres none!
Peggy If I'm stuck in a day thats grey and lonely I stick out my chin ...
Rainbow yes, and you grin - and say
EVERYBODY The sun'll come out tomorrow [SING!] Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun AND Just thinking about tomorrow, YOU Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'til theres none TRACY! I'm stuck in a day thats grey and lonely I stick out my chin and grin and say The sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on til tomorrow come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow you're always a day away Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow you're always a day awa...y!!
Albert (narrator] THE END!

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