on the meths
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episode five

Albert (narrator) The story so far - Basil has been arrested for unintentionally making improper suggestions to Mystic Julie, a clairvoyant and new age traveller.

Bob completely fluffed his lines and said he was fine, - but he has actually broken his ankle by falling down the cellar steps.

Rainbow and Sinclair had a wonderful date together with the kids out of the way, but have things turned out well for them? Find out as we go back 'On the Meths' ...

scene 1
Ginny Martine, correct me if I'm wrong - but did you just say Basil had been arrested?
Martine Yes, what am I going to do Ginny? I can't stay in the house on my own!
Ginny Erm, why don't I give Druscilla a call, perhaps she'll be able to put you up until he gets back?
Martine Oh would you Ginny? I'd be ever so grateful.
Peggy You don't want to stay there - that Druscilla's a right moody one. She tried to teach us all fencing in the portakabin last week, and then got a chuffing strop on when we started to enjoy it.
Ginny Of course she did! Mrs MacHenry is in hospital and Mr Pogson had to borrow a sheet to wear home!
Peggy Our Elvis would never have got a strop on. I was only showing 'em how Errol Flynn would have done it.
Ginny Did Errol Flynn play Edward Scissorhands?
TRACY KNOCK ON DOOR
Peggy If it's Rainbow, tell her to chuff off. I'm not going to forgive her for what she did to me. Not ever.
Ginny (from a distance) Oh hello Raquel, come in.
Raquel Oh Ginny, I can't believe what I've done - I've made such a fool of myself!
Peggy No change there then. How come you noticed this time?
Raquel Oh shut up Peggy. Honestly Ginny, I've just thrown myself at Bob!
Ginny You've been doing that since you first clapped eyes on him.
Raquel No, I mean literally. He was cleaning next doors windows and I was overwhelmed - I just launched myself at him!
Ginny Is he alright?
Raquel Of course he's not alright! He was up a ladder with his leg in Plaster. Druscilla was really upset, I had to tell her he'd jumped.
Ginny Where is he now?!
Raquel He's just sprawled out on the drive. Anyway - I just popped round to see if you fancied going for a drink. I've run out of Gas and Electric so I can't go home until pay day.
Peggy Yes you go and chuffing celebrate Ginny, Bob might be splattered all over the pavement but you enjoy yourself!
Martine Oh, Bob'll be OK Peggy - when he fell down the cellar steps the other day and broke his ankle he just said he was fine. He's used to pain.
Peggy Just as well if he's living with Druscilla - she is a chuffing pain!
Ginny Well anyway, I can hardly ask them to put you up now, Martine - You'll have to stay here.
Martine Oh thank you Ginny, I'm ever so grateful ...
****
Albert(narrator) Meanwhile, over at the school Basil's disappearance has not gone unnoticed ...
Trinity Albert, you're not going to believe this - my Mum says Mr Pilbeam has been arrested!
Anna Oh great. Now we haven't got any teachers at all! What are we going to do if a grown-up turns up?
Albert Right. Anna, you go and open all the post - see if there's anything we need to know. And man the telephones in case anyone calls. Trinity - check the security system is working and all the gates are locked. Joe, you get up on the roof - let the girls know if anyone's coming.
Joe Aye Aye Captain.
Anna What are you going to do?
Albert I'm going to see if I can spring Mr Pilbeam from the cop shop. I'll need your help Craig.
Craig I'm not dressing up as an alien again!
Albert No - we'll have to be a bit more subtle this time.
Craig Well what's the plan?
Albert I don't know yet - we'll think of something.
Bob and Druscilla's house
Albert (narrator) Meanwhile Bob has returned from Jimmy's in record breaking time, but Druscilla has a bit of a battle on her hands ...
Bob Pass me another pain-killer will you Druscilla? In fact I'd better take them with me, they're not strong enough.
Druscilla I can't understand what's come over you Bob! You've got 2 broken arms, a broken ankle, a fractured kneecap and a dislocated hip - you can't possibly go to work!
Bob It's not going to be easy, but I figured that if I put roller-skates on I could balance myself with the ladder, and if I just carry the bucket around my neck ...
Druscilla And just how are you planning to climb the ladder?
Bob A ha - don't worry about that, I've got it all figured out. I will tie a rope around my waist and throw it over top of the ladder. Then I shall haul myself up by my teeth.
Druscilla And are you going to use your teeth to wash the windows?
Bob Yes. That's the idea. I shall keep the bucket around my neck and lower the cloth into it with my mouth, then I can just give the windows a quick once over, and Bob's your uncle!
Druscilla OK then, as long as you're confident - off you go!
Bob Could you just help me up?...
TRACY KNOCK ON DOOR
Druscilla Come in! .........Oh hello Sinclair, how are you?
Sinclair Fine thanks Druscilla, I was wondering whether you had seen Rainbow at all today? I've been everywhere I can think of... My God, Bob - Are you alright?
Bob Yes, I'm fine!
Sinclair Oh good. Anyway - about Rainbow, nobody's seen her and her kids are still at Lynne and Sue's. I have to find her, I'm afraid she may have gone for good!
Druscilla Yes, I heard you and Rainbow were, erm, well - you know. Together.
Sinclair Yes, it's true, in a few short days she has transformed my life. I feel like a new man!
Druscilla She does have a habit of disappearing - she's probably at some sort of alternative therapy workshop. Have you tried Swarthmore?
Sinclair No, but good thinking. I'll go there now - thanks Druscilla. Are you sure you're alright Bob? You look like the Invisible Man in all those bandages!
Bob Oh yes, I'm fine - never felt better!
Druscilla I'll see you out Sinclair. I'm really sorry about this, but with Bob in his condition I don't think I'll be able to make the lantern walk tonight.
Sinclair Of course not - he looks in a bad way. Don't worry about it - I'll manage. If you like I could come back later and keep an eye on him for you, you know, to give you a bit of a break.
Druscilla Oh thank you, Sinclair - I could do with nipping to Sainsbury's.
Sinclair Right-ho, I'll see you after the lantern walk then. About 8 ish?
(pause)
Albert (narrator)Elsewhere in Chapel Allerton Albert and Craig have arrived at the Police Station - looking rather taller than usual ...<

(pause for a couple of seconds!)

Albert Stop wobbling, Craig - I'll fall off!
ANNA RING BELL.
Bob(sergeant Smith] A good afternoon to you Sir, may I be of any assistance?
Albert Thank you officer - I would like to speak to Mr Basil Pilbeam.
Bob[ss]I'm sorry Sir, Mr Pilbeam is in the cells.
Albert Yes, I know - I'm his solicitor.
Bob[ss] Ah well, if that's the case I shall be happy to take you to him. If I might make mention of it Sir, you look very young to be a solicitor.
Albert Yes, erm er, I use Oil of Ulay!
Bob[ss] Well sir, might I say that it's most effective.
Craig (muffled voice] Albert! I can't breathe and my shoulders are killing me!
Bob[ss] Did you say something Sir?
Albert Erm no, officer - It was my stomach rumbling.
Bob[ss] [jangle keys] Well then, here you go Sir - just drop the keys off at the desk on your way out will you?
Albert Most certainly. Thank you officer.
Bob[ss] Ha ha - just a little police humour there, now why don't you boys run off back to school where you belong, before I have you up before the juvenile court for impersonating a Solicitor?
Craig Run for it Albert!
Bob[ss] (from distance) Another one Alf, more chuffing fake Solicitors in the Methleys ...
scene
Albert [narrator] That evening back in the Methleys, the elderly are getting ready for some serious Methleys Neighbourhood Action ...
Sinclair Now everybody, have you all got your lanterns?
Peggy Do you mean these bits of chuffing chicken wire on sticks?
Sinclair Yes Peggy, if you want to put it like that. Now then, we'll light the lanterns and then make our way down Methley Drive first ...
Peggy Where's my soup? You promised we'd have hot soup and baked potatoes. I want my soup!
Sinclair We're having supper in the portakabin, now can we please get a move on? Let me get these lanterns lit ...
Bob (op) Eh, watch out Sinclair - you nearly set Mavis afire then!
Anna [op] Oooh look at those petunias, aren't they lovely at night Boris?
Peggy They're chuffing hideous, I hate petunias. Get a move on Stinky - I want me soup!
Sinclair Right then everybody - do we all have flaming lanterns?
Anna [op] There's no need for language like that!
Sinclair OK, we're off. We'll have a sing song on the way, everybody just join in when you get the hang of it ...

(singing - Army style!) I don't know but I've been told -

Everybody[sing as old people] I don't know but I've been told -
Sinclair [singing] Methley Drive is paved with gold ....
Everybody [sing as old people] Methley Drive is paved with gold ...
Peggy Oh chuffing heck! Somebody please take me home!
scene (pause)
Albert (narrator) Despite the late hour, back at the school things are not looking good for the children.
Anna Oh Albert, thank goodness you're back - did you get him?
Albert Not this time, we had a narrow escape ourselves - we're going to try again at daybreak.
Joe That will be too late!
Trinity Way too late! Even if he was here now it wouldn't give us enough time.
Craig What do you mean? Too late for what? What's happened?
Anna Trinity and I have checked through all the post for the last academic year. The OFSTED inspectors are coming tomorrow!
Albert That's it then. We're done for.
Anna Don't give up hope Albert - I'm sure we'll think of something.
Craig What, by tomorrow morning?
Trinity Maybe we could find Mr Pilbeams wife? She would probably want to help.
(pause)
Albert (narrator) Back on Methley square, Druscilla is getting ready to go late-night shopping.
Druscilla Oh hello Sinclair - thanks for coming, I'll be back in half an hour.
Sinclair It's OK Druscilla - I've heard that before. I'll just sleep on the sofa if that's alright. You take as long as you like.
Druscilla Are you sure you don't mind?
Sinclair To be honest I'll be happier sleeping here, I'll be able to get an early night and continue my search for Rainbow in the morning. It's not easy commuting from Essex.
Druscilla Well if you're absolutely sure ...
TRACY KNOCK ON DOOR.
Druscilla (from a distance) Oh hello Ginny. Martine. Peggy. Raquel - can I help you at all?
Ginny Druscilla - I don't suppose there's any chance you could put us up for the night is there?
Druscilla Why? What's happened?
TRACY KNOCK ON DOOR.
Druscilla Hello Trinity. Anna. Albert. Joe. Craig. Is there a problem?
Anna Hello Druscilla - can we please come in? We need to talk to Mrs Pilbeam.
Druscilla Well, OK but you'll have to sit on the stairs, we're full at the moment. Martine! Could you just come and have a chat with these children please?
Martine Yes, if I can just squeeze past?
Druscilla Sorry about that Ginny, what on Earth has happened?
Bob Aaaah!
Raquel Oh good grief! I've trodden on Bob's head!
Ginny Well, Druscilla - Raquel and I managed to persuade Martine to come to the pub for an hour whilst Mum was on the lantern walk...
Raquel Yes, but unfortunately she took it into her head to come home early with her wonderful home-made chicken wire death trap.
Ginny (bursting into tears) Oh Druscilla we're homeless! - She's only gone and burnt down our house!
Albert (narrator)Is there a reason for the terrible quality of tonights script? What will become of Ginny and Peggy? Where is Rainbow, and will Sinclair be able to find her? Will Basil escape from the cells? What will OFSTED have to say about it all? Tune in for the final episode on Friday to find out.
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