on the meths

episode four

Albert narrator The story so far - Basil has returned from his so-called alien abduction only to find that Martine, his agoraphobic kleptomaniac wife, has gone missing. He has been to visit a clairvoyant.

Rainbow lost Peggy whilst out shopping, leaving Sinclair to babysit her horrible children. Sinclair agreed only because of his love for Rainbow.

Raquel has disappeared too - but nobody seems to have noticed, and Bob and Druscilla have both heard sinister scratching noises coming from their cellar -

Scene 1 {Rainbow and Sinclair on a date.}
Rainbow How many times do I have to apologise Sinclair? They were perfectly well - behaved when I got back.
Sinclair Yes Rainbow they were, but it cost me 25 to get them off the roof, and another 50 to persuade them to watch a video. I don't know how you cope, I really don't! Who's looking after them now?
Rainbow They're sleeping over at Lynne and Sue's, they'll be fine!
Sinclair Lynne and Sue? That potty couple on Methley Place? The ones who take in stray dogs off the street and clip their coats into interesting shapes before releasing them back into the wild?
Rainbow That's them - they're barking mad but they're very friendly and the children seem to like it there.
Sinclair Rainbow, Lynne and Sue are the ones who were had up in court for cruelty after they clipped a persian cat into the shape of a bowl of fruit. It was attacked by birds and squirrels for weeks afterwards.
Rainbow I know - I felt terrible about that - it turned out it wasn't them, it was my kids. Very artistic though wasn't it? The way the banana sprung up out of the bunch of grapes. Anyway let's not talk about them, Sinclair, let's talk about us...
Sinclair Yes Rainbow, let's - I'm so glad you could come out tonight. I feel I've waited forever to meet you again properly, and now it's finally happened. Oh Rainbow .. Aren't you enjoying your meal?
Rainbow [very doubtfully] Oh yes ... I often have Korean food - it's just that I wasn't expecting a whole puppy.
(fade out)
scene 2 {Ginny's house}
(mikes back on)
Peggy (from a distance) Ginny! My bag needs changing!
Ginny (calling) I'll be there in a minute, Mum! - (speaking) Do you see what I mean Druscilla? It's never ending! I called you because I know Martine finds it really helpful having a therapist.
Druscilla Does she? I mean yes, of course - even the most well balanced people can find having someone impartial to talk to very helpful.
Ginny Well, she actually said that being agoraphobic, she could rely on you to tell everyone in the neighbourhood what's going on in her life. Anyway, I was hoping you might be able to spend some time ...
Druscilla I can book you in on Thursday's from 4 until 5 - would that be ok?
Ginny Oh, it's not for me - it's for Mother.
Peggy (from a distance) Our Elvis would have hurried up. He wouldn't have left me to stew in my own chuffing juices.
Druscilla Eeek! Oh, I'm terribly sorry - I've just remembered I'm fully booked, I'm sorry - I have to get to work now ...
Ginny What just like that?
Druscilla Yes, I'm taking the M.E. sufferers on a Dales hike for a bit of fresh air, and then I've got to pop over to Armley do a Dance workshop with the criminally insane. (getting further away) See you!..
Peggy (from a distance) Ginny! I'm chuffing leaking! Ginny!
Ginny I'm coming Mother! Stop being so dramatic ...
(fade out) (mikes back on)
Scene 3 {At the school}
Basil Now then children, today we're going to discuss the Summer Fayre. First of all does anyone have any bright ideas for how we can attract the good people of Chapel Allerton to our lovely school?
Joe We could pay them all 20 each if they promise to stay for an hour.
Albert Or we could offer them free beer and cigarettes.
Basil I don't think we need to go quite that far, I'm sure all your parents will want to come for a start.
Daniel I don't want my Mum to come here! She'll end up sending me to a normal school!
Albert Please sir, he's right! If our parents see what's going on here with no teachers or computers or anything they'll make us go somewhere else!
Basil An idea not without it's appeal, Albert, but I take your point.
Trinity (Crying) I don't want to go to another school - I like rubbish ones where you do what you want.
Ruth I like not doing anything. I want to stay here!
Rosie I used to go to a different school. We were never allowed to fight or swear or anything! I even got told off for lighting matches ...
Trinity (still crying) Please Sir! Please don't have a Summer Fayre! ... I want to stay here!!
Basil Don't cry Trinity, I'm sure we can work something out.
Albert Sir, I think I've had an idea ...
All Children Oh no! - not again!...
(fade out)
TRACY, CORONATION STREET TAPE ON (Ginny and Peggy in the kitchen)
Peggy I just can't believe she left me on the chuffing bus Ginny - don't let her take me anywhere again, will you?
Ginny She didn't mean to Mum, and anyway - why didn't you shout her? You were in the luggage rack, you could have stopped her!
Peggy No I chuffing couldn't - I'd only been in there 2 minutes and people started chucking bags and buggies on top of me. I was trapped.
Ginny It must have been awful, still at least she collected you.
Peggy Yes, from Manchester chuffing Airport. If my hip hadn't shown up on the x-ray I'd be in Poland by now. Our Elvis would never have left me on a bus. And I missed Arts and Crafts.
Ginny How have you been getting on at Arts and Crafts Mum? You haven't told me much about it.
Peggy It's chuffing terrible, but if I don't go along to keep an eye on things that Stinky John Thomas will have someone's eye out.
Ginny I don't know if I should tell you this Mum, but Rainbow has gone on a date with him tonight.
Peggy Yuck, what a hideous thought - them two slobbering all over each other.
Ginny I'm sure they're having fun. Rainbow said she'd call in in the morning on her way to pick the kids up from Lynne and Sue's.
Peggy Lynne and Sue's? That's that couple on Methley Place with the antlers tied to their washing line! They're chuffing bonkers! Our Elvis would never have left his kids with the likes of them. They sleep in the van, you know, and make the dogs do the washing up.
Ginny Oh Mum, you know perfectly well that nobody else will look after those kids - they're all really horrible, and Otter and Willow are absolute demons!
Peggy So's Rainbow if it comes to that - leaving me on the chuffing bus ...
(fade in)
Albert (narrator) Meanwhile, back at Rainbow's house things are beginning to hot up.
Sinclair I've had a lovely evening Rainbow, thanks for coming - and your house seems so much nicer when it's almost empty.
Rainbow I've really enjoyed myself too Sinclair - apart from when I got that identity disc stuck in my throat. I feel much better now though.
Sinclair Let me pour you a drink, Rainbow - you look so beautiful with your eyes crossed.
Rainbow (lovingly) I can't drink that Sinclair, it's Otter's methodone. Why don't I pop into the kitchen and open a bottle of champagne?
Sinclair Oh Rainbow!
Rainbow Oh Sinclair!
Sinclair and Rainbow MAKE KISSING NOISES.
(fade out)
TRACY TAPE OFF (fade in)
Basil Albert, what you are suggesting is illegal, immoral and utterly abhorrent. However, nobody can dispute that it is also brilliant - and it therefore gets my vote. We shall hire a troop of new age travellers to pretend to be teachers at the Summer fayre.
Trinity Sir, it won't work - they won't know any of our names or anything.
Basil That's not unusual in comprehensive schools.
Rosie They won't know their way around the school!
Basil Neither will your parents.
Daniel How will we get the money to pay them?
Basil Aaaa. Good point Daniel, this plan may have it's drawbacks. Right children! Your homework for tonight will be to come up with a fund-raising plan to hire thirty travelling folk by next Saturday.
Joe Sir, where are we going to find 30 travellers?
Basil Don't worry about that Joseph, I know just the person ....
(fade out) TRACY ITN NEWS TAPE ON (mikes on)
Druscilla (from a distance) Bob! is that you?
Bob Hello petal, how was your day?
Druscilla Dreadful. The ME sufferers all fell asleep in Grassington and I had to get a group of passing ramblers to carry them to Arncliffe Crag. It wouldn't have been so bad if the ramblers had been a bit fitter, but they were the Skipton and District Retired Ladies Association.
Bob Not a perfect day then, you must be exhausted!
Druscilla Not really, I got a taxi. Bob, I've been hearing that scratching noise again - will you have a look in the cellar for me?
Bob Why me? I've had a hard days night too, you know!
Druscilla Bob, just do it.
Bob Oh alright then -............................... Aaaaah! Ow!
Druscilla (from a distance) Bob are you alright?
Bob No - I landed on the No frills cotton wool balls. I think I've broken my ankle!
Martine Don't worry Bob, I'll help you!
Bob Martine? What on earth are you doing in our cellar?
Martine I'm sorry Bob, I tried to go out and find Basil but I had a panic attack. I didn't know where else to turn, so I came here. I was looking for Druscilla, but then I heard Basil coming in and telling all those dreadful lies about being abducted by aliens. I ran down here and I found all these supplies. I wanted to steal them, my kleptomania was a bit out of control, but I tasted one of the Great Save Jammy Dodgers and now I think I'm cured!
Bob Do you think you could carry me back upstairs? And by the way, it's true about the aliens - Raquel and I have seen them with our own eyes.
Martine Oh my goodness, poor Basil - I should have trusted him. I must get back to him straight away! ...
Bob (pause - then from a distance) Martine, Druscilla ... what about me?
TRACY CLOSE DOOR. (fade out) (mikes on)
Basil Helloooo! Is anyone here?
Mystic Julie (booming voice!) Hello? I sense you have terrible prob ...
Basil (interrupting) yes, yes, yes .....
Mystic Julie (normal voice) Are you auditioning for 'When Harry Met Sally' too?
Basil No, of course not. I just have a business proposition to put you.
Mystic Julie I don't offer those kind of services.
Basil Good Heaven's! I wasn't suggesting ... I just want to hire you, and 29 of your friends and family ...
Mystic Julie (interrupting) Leave my premises immediately!
Basil No, no - let me explain...
(fade out) (mikes on)
Rainbow (from a distance) coooeeee!
Peggy Here's the traitor! Kick her out Ginny - get rid of her!
Ginny Don't be so horrid Mum. You have to forgive and forget. Hello Rainbow, can I get you a coffee? - I'm just making one.
Peggy Put poison in it Ginny - In fact let me empty my chuffing bag in it!
Rainbow Mum, just stop being so silly - it was an accident, I wasn't thinking clearly.
Peggy No - because you were so busy thinking about Stinky John Thomas! I never thought I'd see the day when my own daughter would try and send me to Poland!
Ginny (from a distance - clinking cups together) Do you want normal or herbal Rainbow?
Rainbow I'll get it.
Peggy Ginny - My bag needs changing!
Ginny (from a distance - under breath) Oh buttery sugar fudge. [from a distance - ] Coming Mum!
Rainbow Hello Raquel, and how are you on this fine day?
Raquel Cor, hark at you - somethings brought a smile to your lips, Rainbow - would you like to share it with the group?
Rainbow I've just had such a lovely evening, Raquel - nobody will be able to bring me back down to Earth today!
Raquel Come on, Rainbow - you were never on Earth in the first place - what have you been up to?
Rainbow It's Sinclair - we're together, you know - like a couple. He's so charming and sensitive and ...
{TURN PAGE QUIETLY!!!} Raquel Oh my God. There's a single man in the Methleys and Rainbow has to get there first! I don't believe this ...
Ginny (heaving noises) Come on Mum - sit yourself down.
Peggy Oh chuffing heck - they're both here now. Do something Ginny, my heart hurts!
Ginny Oh don't be so silly Mum. Raquel - I haven't seen you for ages, where have you been?
Raquel I nipped into Somerways and there was a queue. Luckily I'd taken a sleeping bag and a flask, but I'm dying for a cig ...
Rainbow Cheers for the drink, Ginny - I have to get up to Lynne and Sue's now to pick the kids up ...
Raquel You never left your kids there! Lynne and Sue are the ones who did an all night vigil on Methley Drive to raise awareness about cruelty to vegetables! They only eat things that have died of natural causes, they'll have poisoned the kids ...
Peggy I chuffing well hope so, it's about time somebody did something about them.
Rainbow You really can't annoy me today Mum, so you may as well stop trying. (face away from mike) See you Ginny, Raquel ...
Ginny (from a distance) Oh hello Bob! What can I do for you?
Bob I think I might have left my METS cheques here, and I need a massage urgently - Druscilla left me in the cellar for 2 and a half hours because she thought I was joking about my injuries!
Raquel A massage Bob? I'm quite sure I could help you out there - why don't you come around to my place and I'll see what I can do?
Bob That's a very kind offer, Raquel - I might just take you up on that! It's my foot, you see.
Peggy Ha Ha Ha! That's stumped you hasn't it Raquel! Go on then, massage his smelly foot! Do it here, go on! I want to watch!! (falls about laughing again )
Ginny Oh Good grief - I don't think we can fit anyone else in! Who can it be now?

(from a distance) Martine! You poor thing, you're shaking! It's very brave of you to come out - what's wrong.

Martine Oh Ginny, I just don't know what to do! It's Basil - he's been arrested! ...
Albert (narrator) Have Rainbow's children survived the night at Lynne and Sue's?
Will Peggy ever forgive Rainbow?
Will Raquel have her way with Bob?
What will become of Martine, and - more to the point - Basil?
Tune in on Wednesday to find out....