on the meths

episode three

Albert [narrator] The story so far... Mr Pilbeam has been abducted by a group of youngsters from his school disguised as aliens. Martine, his wife, has been worried sick.Meanwhile Sinclair and Drucillas project to keep the elderly occupied is going well and Rainbow, the Methleys hippy, is thinking about a get together offer from Sinclair.
Scene 1
Sound of keys in lock. Television in background.
Bob Did you say something? Are you making coffee Druscilla - Did you get any biscuits?
Drucilla No I did not get biscuits. I'm not buying biscuits ever again.
Bob Why not?
Drucilla Because I went to Somerways.
Bob Ah. (pause) Er... I thought it was Safefields biscuits that we didn't like.
Drucilla We don't, they make 'Ma's Own' biscuits, which taste like grandma's own dog biscuits. We've also tried Somerways 'No Bother' biscuits and now, I don't bother. I won't be buying 'Damned if you don't' Cornflakes or 'I can't believe it's not pasta' again either. THIS lot came to 89.63 and it's only a couple of bags, but at least we'll actually get to eat it.
Bob HOW MUCH?! We're supposed to be on a shoestring budget!
Drucilla Budgeting is not cost effective. Go and have a quick look in the cellar, then you can nag at me.
Bob (opens cellar door) Good Heaven's Druscilla! What IS all this?
Drucilla This is 'low-cost', 'no bother', 'cheap price', 'no thrills', 'great save' and 'look twice' cereal, beans, coffee, soup and hot dog sausages, along with a lifetime's supply of the Canine Defence League's own brand toilet tissue - which have all been brought into this house since we began budgeting.
Bob Well what is it doing down there?
Druscilla I tried to give it to St George's crypt but they told me not to be so bloody patronising. I am reduced to saving it for an emergency.
Bob I think you've got one.
Drucilla Why, what's happened?
Bob The 'Look Twice' porridge has things living in it and I think a mouse is nesting in your 'My Mums' sanitary towels.
Druscilla My God you're right ... you'll have to clear the cellar out when you've got a minute. Anyway I'll leave you to it - I promised I'd call in on Martine this morning to see how she is. Basil's been missing for 2 days now, it's totally out of character.
Bob I wouldn't say this to Martine, but Basil didn't even turn up for the Methleys 5 a side jenga at the Hullatts last night. Whatever has happened to him it must be pretty serious.
Druscilla I didn't know you played games at the Hullatts! It's a Wetherspoons pub you know, you'll be barred if they catch you having fun...
(fade out)
Scene 2 Bob
[Sergeant Smith]
Now then Sir? What's that you're saying? Aliens? Abduction?
Basil the aliens ... abduction .. prisoner .. for 2 days!!
[Sergeant Smith]
Come on now sir - calm down. Please tell me in your own words exactly what you're on about.
Basil Aliens, that's what I'm talking about - I've been abducted and I would like to report it.
[Sergeant Smith]
Oh yes sir, would you just please blow into this.
Basil But that's a desk tidy ...
Bob[sergeant Not that sir, this balloon - my daughters having a birthday party. A ha ha, police humour sir - excuse me. Now then 'aliens' you said - would you like to describe them?
Basil Err well, they were silver, shiny and silver - and they had big stary eyes, terrifying they were -
Bob And how tall were these aliens then sir?
Basil Well the little ones were about 3 feet tall and one of them was at least 5 feet!
[Sergeant Smith]
Did these aliens say anything to you sir?
Basil No, I'm not sure - They didn't speak English, the only words I could make out were pokemon and pikachu.
[Sergeant Smith]
Well I'd agree with you there sir - that's certainly not English. Now then, I'll file your report. Do you think that if you saw any of these 'creatures' again you would be able to recognise them?
Basil Oh yes, most certainly. Did I mention that they rustle when they walk?
[Sergeant Smith]
No sir - very important that - 'rustle whilst they walk'. We'll be in touch sir.
[Sergeant Smith]
[Screws up paper] - 'Here Alf - another one! More chuffing aliens in the Methleys ...'
Scene: Craig, Albert, Anna and Trinity are in school tring to get cleaned up and discussing their crime
Scene 3
All children[Mumbling, arguing - baby crying in background.]
Anna (baby) (in kitchen if possible - cry quietly all the way through this scene - as though you're in another room)
Rainbow Oh hello Sinclair, I wasn't expecting to see you - I wish you'd called first, I'm a bit busy at the moment ...
Sinclair I'm sorry, but I just had to see you - I couldn't stop thinking about you last night. I phoned Peggy at home and she gave me your address, she said you'd be here all day because your au pair had walked out. Those weren't her exact words, but I got the gist of it. I wondered if there was anything I could do to help?
Rainbow Well actually, seeing as you're here you couldn't watch the kids for half an hour could you? I really need to nip out with Mum. She's got to have her claws clipped or something and Ginny's got someone coming around.
Sinclair Oh. I thought - well, erm ... yes of course I will. I'd love to.
(fade out)
Scene 3
Rainbow Hi Ginny, Mum's feet are much better, though she won't admit it, so I took her to do a bit of shopping. Have you had a good day?
Ginny No, not really. I've got an ear infection and a rash. I keep being sick and this morning I fainted.
Rainbow I've got just the thing for you - it's a herb used in ancient Brazilian initiation ceremonies. On becoming a woman the girl would imbibe the herb, which would enhance her spiritual energy and cause her to take on the strength and fortitude of her ancestors.
Ginny Which begs the question - where's Mum?
Rainbow Ooohh my Go.....d. I knew I'd forgotten something when I got off the bus! She's probably in Harrogate by now! She had to sit at the front on the luggage rack because she couldn't stand up in the aisle. What are you going to do?
Ginny Me?! What am I going to do? - You've got a nerve Rainbow, you really have. You lost her, you'd better find her.
Rainbow I'm sorry you're right - it's all my fault. I'll start by ringing lost property...
scene Basil goes to see Mystic Julie on Druscilla's advice. here?
Scene 4
Sinclair Willow! Don't kick the cat!
Anna (willow) I didn't, I missed. I think you're a prat.
Sinclair Oh good grief. Are you sure your mother hasn't phoned? She said she'd be half an hour!
Daniel She always says that. Last time she went for 4 months. I've got a new social worker, do you want to see him? He's in the cellar!
Sinclair What? what do you mean he's in the cellar?
Anna (willow) Otter always tells lies. I only ever speak the truth.
Rosie That's a lie! You both tell lies all the time. So do I!
all children (wild laughter)
Sinclair I've got to get out of here!
Anna (baby) (Start crying)
Rosie You'd better change his nappy before you go.
Sinclair Oh good grief ... I'm in Hell.
(fade out)
Scene 5
TRACEY KNOCK ON DOOR. Bob (from a distance) Come in!
Basil (breathless) Have you seen Mar.... Bob - why are you naked?
Bob Sorry, I was just waiting for Rainbow to come and heal my Chakras. Having said that I've been waiting for nearly 3 hours now. I'll get dressed. More to the point, where on Earth have you been for 2 days? we've all been worried sick!
Basil Nowhere Bob - nowhere on Earth that is. You're never going to believe this, but I was abducted by aliens! It's all a bit foggy ...
Bob What? Like a purple haze?
Basil Honestly, one moment I was walking to school and the next I woke up on Scott Hall playing field - but I saw them Bob, I saw them - they were silver and ....
Bob Big bulgy eyes, about 4 feet tall?
Basil Yes! exactly like that! It was all a bit like a weird dream, the smallest alien kept making me drink stuff out of a test tube, I was unconscious for hours at a time. They fed me on these disgusting strips of yellow rubber that smelt a bit like cheese and this awful soft stuff that was a bit like toffee but furry.
Bob Raquel and I saw them from your bathroom window last night! They had a spaceship that looked just like a portakabin and they moved like greased lightning. They were running off towards Methley terrace - Raquel and I sneaked out and went to the police, but they seemed to think we had been drinking.
Basil I've been to the police myself, but they're obviously dealing with a vastly superior intelligence. I wonder why they took me? They must have thought I was a really good specimen ... Bob - what were you doing in my bathroom with Raquel?
Bob Well, Martine was reallly ....
Basil Martine! Crumbs Bob - I'd forgotten! That's why I came round - have you seen her? She's gone missing!
(fade out)
Sinclair I'm not going to say this again children, get down and come back in the house.
Rosie No we will not. We like it up here.
Daniel We don't have to do what you say. I'm going to tell my Mum you're a fascist dictator.
Sinclair Listen children, I don't want to fall out with you over this. Get OFF the roof, it's not safe.
Anna(Willow) You don't care - you just fancy our Mum.
Daniel I'm going to climb on top of the chimney!
Rosie I'm going to skip with my skipping rope!
Sinclair PLEASE children! If you get down I'll give you 5 each!
All Children(sweetly) Coming!
Scene 6