on the meths
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episode one

THEME MUSIC
Episode 1 scene 1
Doorbell rings, it is Raquel.
Virginia:Hello Raquel, I wasn't expecting to see you today.
Raquel:Just give me some coffee, Virginia, either that or put me to sleep!
Peggy: Put her to sleep, Ginny do us all a favour.
Virginia:Mum! Don't be so horrible.
Raquel:Why change the habit of a lifetime? It's water off a ducks back to me.
Virginia:Do you want sugar, Raquel, or are you still dieting?
Raquel:No, I need sugar. In fact, give me 2 - I'm depressed.
Peggy:Still not found a man then? No chuffing wonder! At your age you can't afford to be picky, beggars can't be choosers!
Raquel:Peggy, you're just a confrontational old cow. I'm used to it, so I'm just going to ignore you..
Peggy:Are you going to let her talk to me like that? In my day we respected our elders and betters.
Virginia:Please stop it, both of you I can't bear it!
Raquel:Sorry love, I know she's your Mum, but ... ...
Peggy: Yes, for my sins. Not that I get any thanks.
Virginia:I am thankful!
Peggy:So you should be. I was in labour for a week with you, and we didn't go to hospital in those days. It was like trying to push a cabbage through a button hole.
Virginia:Oh for Heaven's sake mother!
Peggy:Now our Elvis was different, he popped out like a pea. Beautiful, he was. Never touched the sides.
Virginia:(sighing) Shall we go through to the front room Raquel?
Peggy:That's right, leave me all alone. Talk about me behind my back. A leper never changes its spots.
Virginia:I'll put the Archers on for you Mother, and you can have a look at your magazine. You know you like 'Thought for the day'.
Raquel: Can you manage a whole thought, or shall we cut it up for you?
TRACEY SLAM DOOR
Virginia:That'll keep her quiet for a while I hope. Anyway how are you? I take it you didn't get a result last night?
Raquel:It was as I expected, all the decent men were paired off with wives and girlfriends, all the single ones were total losers.
RAINBOW:STAND IN KITCHEN AND KNOCK ON DOOR.
Rainbow:(from kitchen) Coooooeeeeeee!
Virginia:Oh my God, that's all I need - it's my sister.
Raquel:I saw her this morning, you know she was chained to a tree outside Harrogate Lodge.
Virginia:She was what?
Rainbow:(entering the room) Ciao everybody - how are we all today?
Virginia:Same as usual. What's all this about a tree?
Rainbow:Oh, did you see me? I was hoping the press might turn up.
Raquel:I can see the headlines now; 'Cloud attacks tree'.
Rainbow:I wasn't attacking it - I was defending it. Anyhow, I'm not called Cloud now. I'm called Rainbow.
Raquel:Well, that's an improvement. 'Cloud Trout' was a big mistake.
Virginia:Does mother know?
Rainbow:Know what?
Virginia:That you're calling yourself Rainbow Trout.
Rainbow:Chill out, she'll be fine. You need to allow her into your life, you're so aggressive
Virginia:What life? I'm with her 24 hours a day!
Rainbow:She's in the kitchen, alone. Not that I'm criticising pet, we all need our space.
Raquel: Thus speaks the Queen of Air-heads.
Rainbow:You really do have to learn to relax Raquel. How about some holistic chakra healing? I've been to a workshop.
Raquel:I don't want to relax. I just want a loving relationship.
Rainbow:Far out! Are you giving up men then?
Raquel:Oh, ha ha, very funny.
Virginia:She's got a point though, maybe you're looking in the wrong places. I mean, Sheepscar Working Men's Club is hardly going to be seething with eligible bachelors.
Raquel:I only went there once!
Virginia:And Glastonbury? There's loads of men at Glastonbury.
Raquel:Maybe at the festival, but I went to the Annual Druids Convention. I haven't thanked you for that, have I, Rainbow?
Rainbow:Well, how was I supposed to know? You just asked me to get Glastonbury tickets.
Raquel:Well it's the last time I trust a hippy to do anything for me.
(mikes off)
TRACEY PUT ARCHERS TAPE ON QUIETLY IN BACKGROUND
(mikes on)
Peggy:(from a distance, getting closer) Never you mind about my gout and my sciatica, I'll just heave myself about. Don't worry, I'll be dead soon.
Raquel:Not soon enough.
Virginia:I thought you were having a nice listen to the Archers mum.
Peggy:My bag needs changing.
Raquel:Finished sucking up souls, have you? Shall we put you on blow?
Peggy:Oh you think a catheter is funny, do you? Well let me tell you ... ...
Virginia:She doesn't, she doesn't she was just - Oh never mind. Come on Mum, let's get you sorted.
Peggy: SHE can do it for me, she never does anything to help.
Rainbow:Who me? I'm sorry, I've got this terrible allergy. I just can't go near, er ...
Raquel:Bathrooms? Old bats?
Peggy:Elvis would have changed my bag.
Raquel:Yes Rainbow, Elvis would have changed her bag.
Peggy:Rainbow? Why is she calling you Rainbow?
Virginia:Come along Mother.
Peggy:Ow! Ow! You're breaking my arm!
Virginia:I am not.
TRACEY SLAM DOOR
Raquel:I really don't understand why you haven't put her in a home, Rainbow. I'm sure she'd be happy at Harrogate Lodge.
Rainbow:I took her there once, but she got into a fistfight with a delivery driver. She's banned from the grounds now. Anyway, you have to respect her. She's lived through 2 world wars, and she's a victim of a male dominated society.
Raquel:So are loads of old ladies, but they're not all toxic like her.
TRACEY SPLASHING WATER ( be careful!!)
Rainbow:Aaaah!
Raquel:(sultry voice) Ooh, hello there.
Bob:Sorry ladies, I was just doing the French windows - I didn't realise they were open.
Raquel:Don't worry about it. Don't you look sweaty? Would you like a cup of tea? Are you married?
Bob:No, I have an allergy.
Raquel:To marriage?
Bob:No, to Pine Martins.
Door opens.
Virginia:(getting nearer) Have I missed something? What's happened to the carpet? Oh hello Bob, what do I owe you?
Rainbow:You don't owe him anything, he's destroyed the carpet. You haven't left Mother on her own up there have you?
Virginia:She won't let me stay when she's having a number 2. She says I put her off her stroke.
Bob:I'll just be off then. Sorry about the carpet - I wish I could turn back time, but there you go.
Raquel:No stay, tell me all about yourself, did you say you were married?
Bob:No, I'm not - I'm in a committed relationship, which will end with one or both of us being committed. We have our ups and downs, but things can only get better. Can I just squeeze past please?
Raquel:Gosh what sturdy thighs. I suppose you need those for climbing ladders don't you? So how come you're not married?
Bob:I've tried it before. Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl ...
Raquel:So you're afraid of commitment?
Rainbow:That's a bit of a heavy question, isn't it? I mean, how many co-habitees can honestly say that they like each other? There's room for loathing in every healthy relationship.
Virginia:(flustered) Oh do shut up Rainbow. And let go of Bob's thighs Raquel.
Bob:Druscilla doesn't understand me, it's true, but then she's a therapist so she doesn't understand anybody really. Could you please release me? ... let me go!
(Fade out)
Episode 1 - scene 2.
TRACEY LEONARD COHEN TAPE ON IN BACKGROUND.
(fade in)
Druscilla:So how have you been Martine, since we last spoke?
Martine:Oh don't ask, Druscilla.
Druscilla:I wouldn't but it's my job, I'd be grateful if you could try and be a bit more co-operative. I've got an appointment in 20 minutes.
Martine:Basil tries to be a good headmaster but he's teaching everything himself because the staff keep having serious accidents. I'm fed up of him offloading his problems on me.
Druscilla (muttering):Tell me about it!
Martine:Thank you. I think I will. He has to teach all the children in the assembly hall because there are so many of them. Not that half of them turn up.
Druscilla:I'm sorry - I really have to go now. That will be 30.
Martine:You're supposed to be my best friend - can't I have a discount?
Druscilla:I've got bills to pay, you know. I should remind you that my partner is a window cleaner, and not a very good one at that.
Martine:He must make a fair income with all his other jobs. Let's face it, he empties dustbins, does odd jobs - he even does a paper round!
Druscilla:Yes, but he does it all on the METS system. He gets paid in IOU's or something, and then trades them in for power tools and video games. He only gets paid cash for cleaning windows.
Martine:Which of course he doesn't, he just smears the dirt about a bit. Anyway, the point is I feel really useless.
Druscilla:Why don't you try to get a job?
Martine:How can I get a job when I'm an agoraphobic kleptomaniac? Sometimes I don't think you pay much attention to my problems. I've been seeing you for 6 months now, and I haven't really seen any progress, unless you count recurring nightmares and an alcohol problem as a step in the right direction. Pour me another Absinthe will you?
Druscilla:Sorry, Martine, but I really do have to go. I have to see a horrendous old bag on Methley Square and find out if she wants to come to the new Day Centre. Methley Neighbourhood Action are going to pay for a portakabin and they want me to run it for them.
Martine:It serves you right - you shouldn't have gone to that meeting, you know what they're like - you always end up taking stuff on.
Druscilla:The meeting was about how we could improve life for the community!
Martine:Yes, by shoving the elderly and disabled into a portakabin and getting the kids to play in the road until there are hardly any left.
Druscilla:Thanks for the thought. Anyway I'm off. You can pay me next time.
TRACEY SLAM DOOR
(mikes off)
TRACEY TURN OFF LEONARD COHEN TAPE.
Episode 1 - scene 3
(mikes on)
Basil:Now then children, I'd like you all to settle down and get out your Maths books. Who can tell me the square root of 49?
All Children:(wild and hysterical laughter)
Basil:Please children, it's very important that we work through chapters 7 to 25 before your SAT's exams.
Albert:Sir, Anna says you're a half-wit.
Basil:Thank you for that Albert, now could you please find your Maths book.
Albert:Sir, she said it again! And she said that you don't know what an organism is.
Basil:That's enough now Albert.
Albert:You do though, don't you sir? Craig said you must know what one is because you're a wang...
Basil:(very quickly) THAT'S ENOUGH!!
Anna:Please Mr Pilbeam, can I go to the toilet?
Basil:Why on earth didn't you go at playtime?
Anna:I couldn't sir, the reception children were keeping all the hostages in the girls toilets and I didn't know the password.
Basil:(wearily) Oh good grief! Yes go. Now can anyone please tell me the square root of 49?
Trinity:It's 7 sir. Can we do pottery now? I want to make an ashtray.
Craig:Yeah, I want to do pottery - I want to make a mess!
All Children:(chant repeatedly - loud! - stamp feet or whatever))
( begin to fade out)
WE WANT POTTERY - WE HATE MATHS!
WE WANT POTTERY - WE HATE MATHS!
WE WANT POTTERY - WE HATE MATHS!
WE WANT POTTERY - WE HATE MATHS!
(continue until faded out completely)
Episode 1 - scene 4
TRACEY ARCHERS TAPE IN BACKGROUND.
(mikes on)
TRACEY LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR
Peggy:(from a distance) GINNY! Get the door will you
Virginia:I don't believe this - who can it possibly be NOW? Sorry Bob, I won't be a minute ...
Rainbow:It's ok Ginny, I'll get it.
Bob:I really must be going - it's been ermm ... nice meeting you, Miss- ?
Raquel:(deep and sexy) Racquel.
Rainbow:(moving nearer) This is Druscilla, everybody - she's the ...
Druscilla:Bob? What are you doing here Who's that lady holding onto your leg?
Bob:Er, this is Racquel, darling, she's just ...
Druscilla:Not Raquel Jetlag? Martine Pilbeam's sister? Who's just come back from VSO, with a long history of failed romances and disastrous one night stands?
Peggy (from upstairs):HELP!
Virginia:(under her breath) Oh, cobblers, I'd forgotten about Mum, she's still on the loo!
Druscilla:Anyway Raquel, I'm a good friend of Martine's these days. I first met her at Chapel Allerton Arts festival, last year. She was trying to steal the video equipment.
Rainbow:Druscilla wondered if mother would like to join an Arts and Crafts group
Raquel:Peggy? Arts and Crafts? (Falls about laughing).
Druscilla:Oh, it's not just Arts and Crafts - we'll be having all kinds of trips and visiting people of interest. I'm sure she'll love it.
Peggy:(getting nearer) Who's this person? What does she want? Oh Hello, Bob.
Rainbow:This is Druscilla, mum. She just needs you to sign some forms...
(fade out)
Albert (narrator):Will Peggy sign up for Art and Crafts?

Will Basil be able to carry on with no

Will any of the storylines start to

Will the next episode be ready in

Tune in on Wednesday to find out.

THEME MUSIC.
NEXT EPISODE!